(Note: The wires are 10 inches (25 cm) apart. The mouth is opened to 51 cm)
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Things That Awe Page 01 - Page 02 |
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| Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm. After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence. About a week later, this is what he found! Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes and I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah and get away." | Well, this is a Python and they're
extremely aggressive and have a few teeth that they use to hold the prey
while they wrap around it and then constrict. Could you get away if
this one bit you and held on with it's "few teeth?" (Note: The wires are 10 inches (25 cm) apart. The mouth is opened to 51 cm) |
| A R-eel Fish Story Two weeks ago a group of four men, Steve Hoyland Jr. with friends Bruce, Ken and Erik, set off on an overnight offshore fishing trip. They left at noon on a Tuesday and went about 120 miles out into the Gulf. They were having a great night of fishing, catching big snapper, grouper, ling and kings. About 3 AM two of them went down below to catch some sleep. The two remaining on deck were catching fish and drinking beer, enjoying the warm tropical night air. All at once, Bruce got a big run on his line. This thing went all around the boat and took more than twenty minutes, to bring up to the surface. When they got it to the surface they could nut tell what it was, it looked prehistoric.  Steve Jr. put a gaff in it and the two men dragged it aboard the 33-foot
boat. As soon the big creature hit the deck, it went crazy, attacking
them. It was an eel over six feet long, weighing close to 100 pounds. It
had a mouth full of sharp teeth and was extremely pissed off.The eel was later estimated to be sixty years old. Bruce said it came at him and Steve Jr. like an anaconda, rearing its head up and striking at them like a rattlesnake. It was highly agitated and quite energetic. In the midst of thrashing around, the creature fell down below onto the floor between the two sleeping men, Erik and Ken. When they heard the thud and turned on the light, the eel raised its head right above Ken's face. Erik rolled over and grabbed his 9 mm pistol. Steve Jr. started yelling, "Don't shoot the gun in the boat! We're 120 miles from land!” Next thing you know, all four fishermen were on the deck and the gigantic eel had sole possession of the bottom of the boat. The four needed to work up a plan of action, so they drank beer while considering a strategy. It was determined that Steve Jr. would distract the eel because he had drank the most beer and believed he was bulletproof. He opened up the sliding door down below to see what the "monster" was doing. As the door opened, the eel came up the two steps biting at anything along the way. The four brave men then ran to the wheelhouse like women and slammed the door shut. They never did identify which one of them screamed like a girl. Inside the wheelhouse, they started calming down and decided they would drink a couple more beers. Then they hatched a new battle plan. Steve Jr. went out on the deck to get the beast's attention. The eel attacked and Steve Jr. climbed up on top of the captain's chair. Ken threw a blanket on top of the giant eel while Erik and Bruce beat the hell out of it with a steel gaff and a large ice chest lid. After the creature was finally subdued, they put it into a large ice chest, and closed the lid on it. The four brave sailors all got themselves a beer and were laughing at the situation when the lid of the ice chest was suddenly knocked off and the eel sprang out onto the deck and resumed its attack. Bruce stated that the eel was clearly out for vengeance. The four men each picked up something and the fight was on. After beating the creature with gaffs, ice chest lids and fire extinguishers again, they once more subdued the massive carnivore and put it back into the ice chest. This time, they tied the lid down and put another ice chest on top of that one. Eighteen hours later they returned to the dock and started unloading the boat. None of them was anxious to open the lid to the ice chest, in fact, they did "rock, paper, scissors" to determine who would pop the lid! Above is a picture of Bruce Gordy with the eel that he caught and bravely fought in that epic and desperate battle for control on the high seas. (Steve Hoyland, Sr.) |
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Important Obituary... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 81. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumbly day and kneads it. |
| An elderly gentleman...Had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' |
| A Canadian, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all
working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water." |
| GREAT SELF DEFENSE ITEM. The funniest part is the poor guy who not only bought the taser but admits to the story! Read his job titile at the bottom. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple -a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet ca t. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy t riple-A batteries) thinking t o myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in t he oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the ; fireplace. How did they g et up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid Mike Martin, Sgt. Albemarle Police Dept. School Resource Officer Albemar le High School |
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The Hormone Guide Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh ... and men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS!!! |
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CHINESE PROVERBS Woman who keeps man in doghouse soon finds him in cathouse. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Man who fight with wife all day also has no piece at night. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. |
| An old Louisiana farmer had a wife who
nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes
later), she was always complaining
about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing
with
his old mule, so he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out
plowing,
his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into
the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag... it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale." |
| Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas. You may live in Texas: If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number. If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend. If you measure distance in hours. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybodys passing you. If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly". If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others. Need a vacation? Here is a list of actual places to travel to in Texas: Need to be cheered up? Happy, Texas 79042 - Pep, Texas 79353 - Smiley, Texas 78159 - Paradise,Texas 76073 - Rainbow, Texas 76077 Sweet Home, Texas 77987 - Comfort, Texas 78013 - Friendship, Texas 76530 Love the Sun? - Sun City, Texas 78628 - Sunrise, Texas 76661 - Sunset, Texas 76270 - Sundown, Texas 79372 - Sunray, Texas 79086 - Sunny Side, Texas 77423 - Want something to eat? Bacon, Texas 76301 - Noodle, Texas 79536 - Oatmeal, Texas 78605 - Turkey, Texas 79261 - Trout, Texas 75789 - Sugar Land, Texas 77479 - Salty, Texas 76567 - Rice, Texas 75155 - And top it off with: Sweetwater, Texas 79556 - Why travel to places? Texas has them all! Detroit, Texas 75436 - Colorado City, Texas 79512 - Denver City, Texas 79323 - Nevada, Texas 75173 - Memphis, Texas 79245 - Miami, Texas 79059 - Boston, Texas 75570 - Santa Fe, Texas 77517 - Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861 - Reno, Texas 75462 - Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket! Athens, Texas 75751 - Canadian, Texas 79014 - China, Texas 77613 - Egypt, Texas 77436 - Turkey, Texas 79261 - London, Texas 76854 - New London, Texas 75682 - Paris, Texas 75460 - No need to travel to Washington D.C. Whitehouse, Texas 75791 - We even have a city named after our planet! Earth, Texas 79031 - And a city named after our State! Texas City, Texas 77590 - Exhausted? Energy, Texas 76452 - Cold? Blanket, Texas 76432 - Winters, Texas - Like to read about History? Santa Anna, Texas - Goliad, Texas - Alamo, Texas - Gun Barrel City, Texas - Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas 78670 - Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Texas 76084 - You guessed it... it's on the state line... Texline, Texas 79087 - For the kids... Kermit, Texas 79745 - Elmo, Texas 75118 - Nemo, Texas 76070 - Tarzan, Texas 79783 - Winnie, Texas 77665 - Sylvester, Texas 79560 - Other city names in Texas, to make you smile..... : Frognot, Texas 75424 - Bigfoot, Texas 78005 - Hogeye, Texas 75423 - Cactus, Texas 79013 - Notrees, Texas 79759 - Best, Texas 76932 - Veribest, Texas 76886 - Kickapoo, Texas 75763 - Dime Box, Texas - Telephone, Texas 75488 - Telegraph, Texas 76883 - Whiteface, Texas 79379 - Twitty, Texas 79079 - The Anti-Al Gore City Kilgore, Texas 75662 - P.S. Whoops, left out Muleshoe - Cut'n shoot, - Hoot And Holler, - Ding Dong, - Farewell, Texas - And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is...... KNOTT, TEXAS |
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